Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Bring me that man meat
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
