Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
