the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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