We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
