Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
