Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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