someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
