She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
