I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
