I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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