i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
