How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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