so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
