People with herpes should wear stickers.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
