I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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