not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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