we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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