Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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