Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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