I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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