Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
