Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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