I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
