I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
