You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
