i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
