I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Randomize
