Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
