Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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