A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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