yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
