I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
