I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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