I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize