Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
