Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
