I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
