dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
