i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just high enough for therapy.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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