just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
