I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
