her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
