How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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