thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
