you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
