Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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