There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
