I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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