Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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