I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
