Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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