we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize