On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
