This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
