I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
