What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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