I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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