My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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