yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
